Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
