Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
