My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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