there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
