is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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