I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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