Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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