I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
