My sheets look like a crime scene.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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