Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
