my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
