What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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