i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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