I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
