I just pynch a tree in the face
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my sisters under your porch take her home
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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