He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
