Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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