the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
