Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize