Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
