There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
