I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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