i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
