When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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