i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
