whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
