We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
