I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
did i just pee glitter
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
