woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
