david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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