I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
