glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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