I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
