now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
