she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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