I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
