yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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