she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
