So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Randomize
