I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
