I just saw a hot homeless man
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
