he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
