I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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