You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
