hotel room ftw
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
