I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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