i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
