i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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