I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
