today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
